It’s amazing how the instant you turn into a mom all of your privacy is gone. From the second that little stick turns pink everyone wants to know if you’re eating correctly, exercising correctly, resting enough …. When I was pregnant I even had a few strangers go so far as to walk up to me and touch my belly uninvited in the Target check-out line. Who are these people and where are their manners?
Well I am here to tell you that it doesn’t get any better once the baby is born. Now it’s just a new version of no privacy, only now it involves tiny people. I can tell you from experience. Tiny people have no boundaries.
Exhibit A: It’s a Wednesday morning (6:50 am) and I am in my bathroom with the door shut, minding my own business. I have already woken up all 3 kids (Ages 10, 5, & 3) and they are “getting ready”.
B: Mommy! Mommy! Where are you??!
Mommy: I’m in the bathroom what do you need?
B: K didn’t know where you were. I told her I would find you.
M: Ok, I’m in the bathroom. I’ll be out in a minute.
Bathroom door flies open. The 5-year-old walks in.
B: What are you doing in here?
M: I’m trying to go to the bathroom. Please.
B: Ok. (Runs away. Leaving the bathroom door open).
A moment later. 3 year old standing at my feet.
BX: Mommy, I have boogers in my nose? Can you get them?
M: I’ll be out in a minute.
BX: Oooookkaaaay
30 seconds later. Both are back.
B: Mommy, do I have to brush my teeth? I don’t want to brush my teeth today.
M: Yes. Go brush your teeth.
BX: I still have boogers.
M: I’ll be out in a minute.
B: Can you help me brush my teeth? I can’t get the toothpaste.
M: Not right now. I’m pooping.
B: Well when will you be done pooping?
M: In a minute. Just give me a minute.
BX: But … I actually want you to get my boogers before you poop.
M: I’ll be out in a minute.
In walks the 10 year old.
K: Can you brush my hair?
M: No.
K: But I need you to brush my hair.
M: And I need you to leave me alone so I can poop.
It’s a showdown. There we are. 35, 10, 5, and 3 … in my tiny toilet area (which I’m sure was only intended for one person) just staring at each other. Waiting for someone to make a move. They are frozen. I am frozen. Everyone is just watching me. Waiting on poop. It’s as if they are actually listening for a cue that I am finished.
M: Are you going to leave?
In unison.
K: I need my hair brushed.
B: I need toothpaste!
BX: I still have boogers!
This is my life now. This is your life now. Pooping for an audience. For all the effort I’ve put into this, I wish someone would at least give me a “yeah you pooped on the potty” when I was done.